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“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in a week.”
“And did he keep his word?”
“Sure, I've had to sell my car to pay for the treatment.”

A physician attending a lady several times, used to receive two pounds each visit. One day she only gave him one. Surprised, he looked on the floor saying, “I believe, ma'am, I have dropped a pound.”
“No, sir, it is me who has dropped the money.”

A physician was very much annoyed, because some of his patients were in the habit of stopping him in the street to ask his advice. He realized that they did that in order not to pay his fee, for the doctor never charged for the advice given in that way.
At last the doctor made up his mind to put an end to such disgrace.
One day a patient stopped him again saying, “Oh, doctor, I'm so glad to see you. I have a pain in my side.”
“Shut your eyes, now show me your tongue.” Then the physician stole away, leaving the patient with his tongue out.

A doctor was walking through the streets one evening and came upon a boy who was breaking the panes of every window he could reach. The rascal did it so diligently as if he were paid for that.
The physician angrily seized him by the collar, and asked him what he meant by such bad behaviour.
The boy replied that he was doing it for the good of trade, as his father was a glazier.
The doctor gave him half a dozen good strokes on the back with his cane, saying: “If I have broken your back, it will be for the good of my trade, for I am a surgeon.”

“Oh, doctor,” said a pompous rich man, certainly I have sent for you; still, I must confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science.”
“Well, that does not matter in the least. You see, an ass / a donkey has no faith in the veterinary, and yet the vet cures the animal all the same.”

A physician was sent for by a rich man with a bad temper.
“Well, sir, what's the matter?” the doctor asked.
“That, sir,” said the patient crossly, “is for you to find out.”
“I see,” said the physician thoughtfully. “Well, if you excuse me for half an hour I'll go and get a friend of mine - a veterinary. He is the only man I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.”

A woman comes to the vet saying, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet-carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."
"I guess you're right," says the woman. She is coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"It's $30 for the office visit," explains the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

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